Mocking the UN
by earth warrior
Summary: Hetalia HS Mock UN: A rampart of peace, and the epitome of maturity. "What part of 'sit down and shut up' don't you understand?" "It's official then. You all are crazy." "Objection!" "When's lunch?"... Or not. Arthur's gotten himself in way over his head.
1. Chapter 1

**IMPORTANT EDIT: Just to let everyone know now, the main characters are:** England, France, America, Russia, Lithuania, Poland, China, Spain, and Prussia. Pairings are by request (and there are more details on pairings at the end of chapter 2).

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

**Mocking the UN**

**Chapter 1**

To say that the Mock UN group I started at the beginning of this year didn't go the way I'd planned would have to be the understatement of the century. Frankly, it never ceases to amaze me that I'm even still alive- and still in possession of something vaguely resembling sanity- after everything that's happened.

I suppose none of this is making much sense to you, is it? Of course not. How could it? Forgive me, I do have a bad habit of getting ahead of myself.

Let me start from the beginning. Most stories tend to do that I've heard.

My name is Arthur Kirkland. I am a high school student, a teenager, the Student Council Vice President, a master at kitting and crocheting, a darn good cook if I do say so myself, and most importantly...

The leader of Hetalia High School's Mock UN group.

And unfortunately, it's all downhill from here.

Care to join me?

OoOoO

The clock must have been wrong. It must have! There were no other options. There was no possible way that I could actually already be five whole minutes late to the first meeting.

Loafers hit the tile floor in a fast, steady rhythm. Normally, I wouldn't be caught dead running in the school hallways, but these were extenuating circumstances. My breath came faster and faster as I picked up the pace. Emerald eyes flickered to the plain brown watch clasped tightly around my wrist.

3:06.

Six minutes late! This was terrible! I couldn't send this kind of message to the other representatives on the first day. I pushed myself to run faster. White walls, doors decorated with paper and glitter, and colorful posters for club advertisements all flashed by in blurs. It was the second week of school. That was of course when all the clubs started recruiting members. I was already a part of a few myself. The fiber arts club for one. The book club. The Student Council and the Spirit club.

I had been so looking forward to joining the cooking club as well, but they'd informed me that they were not excepting new members this year- which was absolutely ridiculous! They had posters asking for people to sign up all over the school! It must have just been a mistake. I had to talk to them later about it.

I shook the thought out of my head. There were much more important things to think about. You see, I was something of what you might call an 'over achiever'. I was determined to get into Oxford, and I was willing to do anything to achieve that goal. Anything.

Including putting up with the incompetence of my classmates every day for an hour after school. Hence, I did the most logical thing I could think of: I started a Mock UN group. It would look amazing on a college application, especially since I had chosen to represent The United Kingdom (I was born and raised there after all!) which was a rather important member. With any luck I'd have the blokes from Oxford clogging up my mailbox with scholarship offers!

The turn out was expected to be quite good apparently. I myself had not yet seen the list of people joining, but according to the Advanced Placement World History teacher- the sponsor of our group- quite a few students had expressed some interest.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely shocked.

Stuck in my thoughts, I realized I'd reached the Meeting Room several seconds too late. I skidded to a stop much too quickly, loosing my balance and toppling over in a rather undignified heap. I stared dazedly at the ceiling. Well, this is one way to make a first impression. At least none of them had seen it. I heard snickers from behind me. I tilted my head back to see at least eight people in the doorway looking at me.

Great.

Instantly, I pulled myself together. I stood calmly, wiping the floor dust off of my pants as if nothing had happened, and marched into the meeting room like the dignified Mock UN delegate I was! Shut up! I had most certainly not just completely tripped over my own feet after getting here a full seven and a half minutes late. Of course not. Don't be silly.

"You are so graceful and suave, dear Arthur. Really, you never cease to amaze me."

The voice. That annoying, arrogant, obnoxious, Frenchy-frog-face voice! It couldn't be. I turned around. It was. "No," I hissed. "No no no no no nonononono!" I stalked toward him, grabbed him by the shoulders, spun him around, and began shoving him right out the door. Right where he belonged! "You are not here Francis! You are going to leave now- right now!- Or I swear I'll-"

"Oh ho ho!" God that laugh was annoying! Francis broke free from my grip and turned on me. He put on the most pathetically fake pout I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. "Is that any way to act to act around your Student Council President?"

My blood boiled. Oh how _dare_ he? "You wouldn't even be President if you hadn't rigged the voting machines!"

"Such weighty accusations you make Arthur," he said in shock, his (girly) fingers to his (unshaven and disgusting) chin. "And your proof is...?"

I said nothing. I glared at the ground as though the whole thing were its fault.

"There. You see. You admit it. It never happened." He added smugly at my lack-of-response. He flipped silky blonde hair over his shoulder and I snapped.

"That's it! OUT! NOW!" I began shoving him backwards as he protested loudly. Just as I was actually making some progress in our pest-problem, a pair of arms wrapped tightly around my chest and shoulders from behind and someone was dragging me off of him. "Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?," I demanded, thrashing in their grip. Who the heck did this person think he was?

"I could ask you the same thing, dude." Alfred. Of course. Actually, not 'of course.' Of everyone in this entire school, he is the one person I would never have expected to see in this room. "Seriously, I've got way better stuff to be doing then hang out with you nerds, but my guidance councilor says I've gotta do it for extra credit or I might not graduate. And if this thing gets shut down because you two were fighting, my mom'll kill me! So let's not and say we didn't."

That was actually halfway mature... I tilted my head back to study him skeptically. "Who are you and what have you done with the Jones idiot?"

He laughed and let me go. When I looked back Francis was already in his seat, arms crossed over his chest and one manicured eyebrow raised at me. By this point, everyone was seated, save Alfred and me. I cleared my throat, looking down at the roster which was sitting on the desk. So Francis was here representing France. Oh the irony. Someone in heaven really must have hated me. But there wasn't anything I could do about it. I couldn't just kick him out of the group without a legitimate reason, and especially not on the first day. Unfortunately, I would have to put up with him for a while at least.

I sat down at the head of the table, with Alfred sitting somewhere down the row to my right. "Well, since it seems that we're all here, I suppose we shall begin. I am the delegate representing Britain. That's what you will call me during meetings- that is to say, as far as you are concerned, Britain is my name. You're just lucky I've decided not to make you use my full title. Suffice to say, you'll call everyone else by their country names as well." I pulled out a stack of colorful information sheets and began passing them around the room starting on my left with the rather scary-looking boy in my Chemistry class who I knew was representing the Russian Federation.

"We will meet here every day after school for one hour for meetings. And, at the end of the semester, we will all go and represent Hetalia High School in a state-wide Mock UN convention. Since of course we don't want to dishonor out school, we will be more well-prepared than any other high school has ever been, mark my words!"

My miniature inspirational speech was met with a dozen blank stares. Everyone's a critic...

I sighed. This group was hopeless. "Are there any questions?"

Alfred raised a hand slowly, "Yes, uh..."I looked down at my roster. "America?" Hmm, so he represented the United States? Why am I not surprised.

"Yeah, just one. Why the heck are we meeting in the old janitor's store room?"

You know, it may sound awful, but I was really hoping no one would notice that.

**OoOoOo**

**I've done some research on the Mock UN (or the Model UN as it's more commonly known, but whatever). However, I will get things wrong. You don't have to point it out, I know there'll be a ton of misinformation. I can't picture these guys sticking to protocol anyway. Just think of this as a 'what not to do' for Model UN groups lol.**

**And feed the review inbox please- before it eats my soul. An author with no soul has a difficult time updating.**

**Love,**

**earth warrior**


	2. Chapter 2

**Mocking the UN**

**Chapter 2**

"Um... well... you see..."

He raised a eyebrow. "Yeah?"

_Might as well just tell them. It's not as if they won't find out soon enough anyway._ "Our little Mock UN isn't exactly very..." I cleared my throat to stall. The others just stared at me curiously. "What I mean to say is..." I dropped my arms on the table in defeat. "We aren't important enough. All the other clubs and sports teams- when they're inside- get the rooms. Honestly, no one really expects much from us, or even cares."

The delagate represeting America burst out laughing. Most of the others looked equally amused. "Oh shut up! There's nothing I can do about it. Eventually, if we do exceptionally well, we may get to move into a better room later in the year." Well wasn't that something to strive for. Not to have to hold meetings in a big, run-down storage room.

I mean,_ really_ the place was an absolute mess. The floors were concrete and covered in dust, there was a layer of mold on the table (which felt like it was about to collapse at any moment), there was no air conditioning, the lights weren't the best, and the shelves were lined with the previous janitor's dirty magazines (which France was eyeing from across the room. Pervert.)

"Alright, alright. I think we've had quite enough of that. From here on out we're pretty much completely on our own. We have no dais, so I'll have to fill in until the real conference," I informed them, pulling out more papers and trying to get myself organized. I had planned out this meeting to the second, and so far we weren't making near as much progress as I'd have liked. But it was only the first meeting. Surely things would be all uphill from here right? Of course.

There was silence, which I found odd, so I looked up from my meticuliously-organized binder. I was currently the recipient of more than a few looks of absolute confusion. "You all _do_ know what a dais is, don't you?"

_Chirp-crirp. Chirp-chirp._

This was going to be harder than I'd thought, and that's really saying something.

"The dais consists of the Director, The Rapporteur and the Chair. They run the conferences. You- the delegates- have to follow by their rules. Since we're short on people at the moment, I'll just have to be the Head Delegate and the dais."

"If you don't mind,- and even if you do mind, I don't care- who made you the Head Delegate?" France queried.

"Because I started this group," I shot back. I picked up the roster, ignoring the way he rolled his eyes. "When I call your country's name, say 'present'. Or you could say 'present and voting', but we're not voting on anything today so that's not necessary." I gave the list a quick once-over and checked off myself, France, and America before calling out, "The Russian Federation."

"Present!" He giggled sweetly and childishly, fidgeting with the tail of his scarf (why would someone have a scarf on in September for crying out loud?), but for some reason he just radiated a vibe of barely-suppressed insanity. How odd...

"Republic of Lithuania."

"P-present..."

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Russia, please let go of Lithuania. You're choking him."

Ivan reluctantly released his grip on the smaller teen who quickly scurried back to his own seat and shot me a thankful look. The poor boy- Toris, according to the roster- was heaving deep breaths as though he'd just been traumatized, but managed to compose himself relatively easily which lead me to believe that this wasn't the first time something like this had happened to him.

"Republic of Poland."

No answer. I looked down at the list, then back up at the delegates. Tried again. "Republic of Poland."

Lithuania pointed to the seat next to him where one of the delegates was sleeping with his head on his arms, snoring softly. "He's right here." I thought about waking him up just on principle, but decided against it. We weren't doing anything all that important anyway. However, in the end I didn't have to worry about it as Russia not-so-inconspicuously chucked an eraser at Poland's forehead.

There was a crash and an indignant yelp. I jumped up. Poland was suddenly sprawled out on the floor with his chair on top of him. He groaned in pain, eventually managing to claw his way out from under the table. "Ouch! That, like, really hurt Ivan!" He rubbed his forehead, muttering darkly under his breath. He glanced over and blinked at me sheepishly, standing up slowly. "Eh, sorry... present." He set his chair back up and sat down carefully. It immediately flipped backwards. I silently wished him luck with it for the sake of my sanity.

"The People's Republic of China."

"Present, aru."

"Wh-what are you doing...?"

He looked up from the frying pan, flipping a dumpling without even needing to glance down at it. He gave me an 'are you serious?' look. "What does it look like I'm doing? I am cooking, aru!"

I simply gaped. I looked at him, then at the food, and back again. "How the _hell_ did you manage to bring a bloody _oven_ in here?"

He just shrugged, holding up his spatula and turning to the rest of the group. "Is anyone else hungry, aru? I have extra here."

"Oh, yeah I am!"

"Me too!"

"Like, totally!"

I facepalmed, sliding down in my seat and banging my head on the table a few times for good measure. I felt like I was stuck in the nuthouse where the inmates were given the keys...

I felt someone tap my shoulder and I grabbed their arm. He took it in stride, expecting this reaction. "My Arthur, this is only our first meeting, and if you really can't handle this then maybe I should lead the-"

No. Way. I twisted his arm a bit harder than necessary as I practically threw it away from me. "Over my dead body, _France_," I hissed through gritted teeth. My head snapped up.

"**Shut up!**" I yelled, standing and slamming my hands down on the table. Maybe all these people needed was a good rebuking now and then. (Oh, who was I kidding, honestly?) A few seconds later everyone had more-or-less quieted down, though not seeming all that intimidated by me. "Now, we are going to finish this bloody meeting even if it kills us." I glared at them and got the reaction of slightly amused boredom for my efforts. "I assume you all want to go home sometime before school starts tomorrow morning, yes? Then sit down and shut up and let me finish. Then you can go. And I expect to see you back here tomorrow at the same time, ready to do some work and get things done so we don't all look like _idiots_ at the conference!"

The others exchanged glances, but wisely stopped talking. "The Kingdom of Spain."

"Present~" I looked over to see a cheery brunet happily munching on some tomatoes along with the dumplings China had begun passing out. Next to him was a pale boy- albino actually, judging by the strange red pigments in his eyes- who was slumped in his seat, with his dirty, doodled-on shoes kicked up on the table. He must be the-

I did a double take at the roster. This was impossible. This was insane! There was no way he could be the- "Kingdom of _Prussia_?"

He raised one finger and muttered, "Present," head still lolled back as he stared at the ceiling. Frankly, as soon as this miscommunication was dealt with, the next order of business would be teaching him- heck, teaching all of these blokes- how to sit properly in a chair. This was getting rediculous.

"No, you cannot be the Kingdom of Prussia! Prussia doesn't even _exist_!"

"Well you know what, I'm just that awesome," he retorted, flashing me a thousand watt smile.

"That's not a legitimate response. Your self-proclaimed 'awesomeness' does not bring a country back into existence, Gilbert Beilschmidt."

He stuck his tongue out at me. Oh, real mature.

"Whatever..." I began gathering up papers listlessly and shoving them into my messenger bag. "You all have your assignments, we'll go over more introductions tomorrow. I expect to see everyone here promptly at 3 o clock tomorrow, alright? But for now, everyone is free to-"

And suddenly, I was the only one left standing there. "-go..."

_Well then. That couldn't have gone worse_, I decided as I flicked off the lights and closed the door behind me.

Oh how wrong I was...

**OoOoOo**

**Actually, it's funny that numerii should ask, because I'm now taking requests for pairings. That doesn't mean I promise to use them, but just asking you- the readers- what you want to see. If a certain pairing has a lot of requests, then I will most likely write it. I've actually never really written yaoi before (unless you count 'Prance, a Tale of Schmexiness,' but I really don't think...), ****so I really want to try it this story. The only thing is _I WILL NOT WRITE ROCHU_! I hate the pairing with a burning passion. And anyone who suggests it will be summarily keelhauled. Mkay? But other than that, I'm pretty much game for anything.**

**Just for clarification, here are the main characters (in order of introduction): England, France, America, Russia, Lithuania, Poland, China, Spain, and Prussia. I wanted it to be a pretty small group so we could focus a lot on everyone.**

**So please review and let me know what pairings you guys want! :)**

**Love,**

**earth warrior**


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